Subculture.
It's not that I dont fit in.
It's that I wont.
When I discuss adoption with people who are not within the adoption community I get a lot of praise. "they're so lucky to have you and your wife", "You're saving those two babies" ...ect.
These are all well meaning and well adjusted people wishing to encourage and not to offend so I smile and say thank you. In my head however I'm saying: Your a fucktard.
The fact is that most people think they have a pretty good bead on life. Go to school, go to work, get married...get divorced, have a few memorable moments and vacations, die relatively peacefully with a feeling of purpose and accomplishment. Sounds pretty good. As long as you stay in your social circles and success pools of contacts and away from the "bad" areas of town where "those" people live...the world is pretty sunny and clean. It's a lifestyle I don't comprehend.
When the people within the above mentioned lifestyle give us praise for adopting there's always a background and subtle insult subtext that I can detect. By overpraising the adoptive parent they are in fact, attempting to dilute the accomplishments and future accomplishments of the adopted child. For example; when my daughter does fantastically well in her math class, it's "You're teaching her really well" or "you should be proud of all the extra home work you do with her". It's never: "You're daughter worked really hard and got the best grade". It's as if they wish to handicap my son and daughter because of being adopted, as if being adopted is some kind of huge mountain thus making any accomplishment is miraculous.
Both of my children have begun the second to last stage of the acquiescence into our family psychologically. They are relaxed and more focused on their individual wants and desires and less upon protecting themselves from instability and isolation. In short,...they are out there competing and gaining from the world. They are getting great grades in school, making friends and building their individual self schematics.
While both my wife and I are super proud of our kids accomplishments we are also giving our kids a realistic scale to measure these achievements throughout their lives. Good grades are fantastic, but if you get a lesser grade its best to try harder next time. Being on the winning team is fun and great, but if your team loses every game its ok..its just a game. Achievement is noteworthy and something to be proud of but we can not let it define who we think we are. We are not the grades on our report card, the trophies on our mantles or the social standing we enjoy with our peers. Unfortunately/thankfully?, society thinks differently. Only winners win. You're either number one or your worthless. Lead follow or get out of the way!
Fucktards.
Thankfully? Enter the Punk Rock Ethos.
This praise driven and win at all costs zeitgeist that our society finds itself in however does provide for special opportunities that I want both of my children to be able to benefit from. Throughout my life I have been able to remain focused on MY self set goals by employing the punk rock ethic. Both my wife and I are much less infatuated with television, cellphones and status than our contemporaries. Truth is, when most of our peers were distracted by the trappings of modernity, we were able to achieve life goals. Friends would buy $200,000 homes they would later abandon...we bought what we could afford then traded up. We invested more in what matters and not what was frivolous.
I hope that we can teach our kids that while they can compete for and achieve everything the want out of life, they don't need frivolous praise to make them feel like they earned what they work hard for. Frivolous praise is for well meaning, well adjusted..Fucktards
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